Friday, July 4, 2008
'It Is Finally Time to Tell the Story' was written by Dave Eggers I would guess sometime in 2004 (and is kind of relevant what with all this elections-talk in the U.S.). Find it in 'Short Short Stories'.
'Yes, it is finally time to tell the story about the sheep from that one island whose name is forgotten but which rhymes with Godiva. There were too many sheep on this particular island, so some of them got on a boat and left for Spain. In Spain, however, they were not welcomed. Everyone in Spain, waiting by the shore for the boat to come in, had expected something more unusual than sheep. When the gangway was lowered and the sheep descended, the Spaniards said many things to them, the overall gist of which was 'Go back to your island, sheep, and send some gila Monsters or Komodo dragons.' It is well known that the Spanish have always longed for gila monsters and Komodo dragons and perhaps some of those child-sized ancestors of Homo Erectus everyone's talking about. So the sheep set sail again, this time looking for Franz Josef Land, which they'd heard had a balmy climate and universal health insurance. But when they arrived, six months later, they found neither. Franz Josef Land was desolate, treeless, and obsessed only with wireless internet access. So the sheep set sail again, this time landing in Montana, which no one - no one but these seafaring sheep - realized had a deep-sea port. They walked around Montana for a while, but found the people to be unfriendly and with very poor taste in music. Everywhere they went, they heard Thin Lizzy and Bachman Turner Overdrive, and though the sheep enjoyed much of the music by these bands, they actually preferred early King Crimson and later XTC. So they set sail again, this time looking for - you know what? Hold on a second. Wait one damned second here. The author of this irrelevant narrative just woke up, momentarily, from a self-induced mental coma, and now something is worming into his consciousness. It couldn't be. Did that really happen? Did we really elect Bush again? Holy fucking shit. Screw the sheep and pity us Americans. Have we ever wanted pity before? We have not, but now we do. Shower us with pity as we cloak ourselves in shame.'
And now music.